to whom it may concern...

Dear anonymous-

I appreciate the time it took you to post your "thoughts" into a rather lengthy comment (unfortunately to the wrong post). I’m assuming that you’re honestly trying to help - (I would rather not characterize your work as a crusade...would you?).

But I also find that your "thoughts" largely make my original point precisely.

I couldn’t help but fear, when I read your “thoughts” that some people might actually view my approach to living the life God has called me to live in the same way that your approach looks and feels- like that of a Pharisee.

That is my greatest fear. That I would fall into either of two ditches on the side of the road (as I’ve heard it said before)- legalism on one side or on the other, the fallacy that God’s abundant grace gives us license to do whatever we so choose. I don’t expect you to agree with me- and I’m not really asking you to.

I’m really not mad at the Catholic Church. There are many elements of the Catholic liturgy that are incredibly beautiful and when I go home for Christmas, I don’t mind the mass at all (not even a little bit). I’m completely okay with the church believing whatever they believe, I just happen to disagree. The fact that I disagree with the Catholic Church, or the Baptists or any other denomination on certain theological or doctrinal points does not make me a fundamentalist nor does it indicate that I have fallen for the “church of modern secularism.” You would be wise to use those terms more carefully in the future. It would indicate that your argument was both your own, and that you weren’t simply spitting precisely the cynicism you are apparently trying to eradicate.

I think the most important lesson I’ve learned from your “thoughts” is how important it is to listen. If you have any more “thoughts” – my blog is open – I won’t erase any of them, and I promise I’ll read them, but I’m also entitled to disagree.

And I still hope that you’ll have the courage one day, to have a name.

Andy

John Mayer Blues Playlist

As inspired by Justin who was inspired by my earlier post. (Justin's blog)

Keep in mind, this is not a complete list of all of John Mayer's blues stuff, its just a compilation of my favorites.

1. Covered in rain | Any Given Thursday (live)
2. Inner city blues (make me wanna holler) | As Is (live)
3. Slow dancing in a burning room | Continuum
4. In Repair | Continuum
5. Gravity | Continuum special edition (live)
6. I don’t need no doctor | Continuum special edition (live)
7. Dreaming with a broken heart | Continuum special edition (live)
8. Who did you think I was | Try! (John Mayer Trio)
9. Good Love is on the way | Try! (John Mayer Trio)
10. I Got a Woman | Try! (John Mayer Trio)
11. Daughters | Try! (John Mayer Trio)
12. Try | Try! (John Mayer Trio)

p.s. he sure is dreamy, isn't he ladies?

Say yes to the blues.

I grew up in Austin, Texas, under the shade of a statue of Stevie Ray Vaughan. I used to go to the famed Continental Club on South Congress Ave. on Friday afternoons to meet Mr. Bauer after work, and watch the Blues Specialists. I’ve been to the (in)famous Antone’s Annual Birthday Bash at 4:30 in the morning on a Tuesday listening to the likes of Ian Moore, Double Trouble, and a host of less famous but equally talented home grown artists. I saw Keb Mo’ at a taping of Austin City Limits. I’ve seen Robert Randolph and the Family Band, Warren Haynes, Jonny Lang, John Mayer, Chris Duarte, and I used to scam beer at the Steamboat 1864 and the Black Cat (both of which are no longer around).

Problem is, with all the blues if seen and heard, I’ve never really said yes to it. Never had that moment where I embraced it and really identified with it- in the way that some of us embrace music on a deeply personal level and think that stating your musical preferences might as well be flashing a gang sign- some of us even believe that we should all carry around soundtracks, so that in the event of meeting someone new, we could simply hand them a cd and say, “listen to this, it’s all the introduction you’ll need.”

Well, I think my stance on the blues is starting to change.

Kind of.

I have missed being in a band outside of playing at my church on Sundays. I love playing at church, and I am incredibly thankful that I have had the opportunity because I’m not much of a traditional church-goer. As far as music in the church goes- I have a much deeper connection to it, and consequently to God when I play the music, rather than listen to it. But all that aside- I just miss playing in a band- practicing, playing in front of a crowd, and presenting a piece of my identity (a pretty important piece) to the world.

Conversations with past band members and friends used to sound like this: “what do you want the band to sound like?” “okay, let’s say Pearl Jam, Radiohead, and Willie Nelson got drunk enough to make some bad decisions and produced a kid….that’s what we should sound like.”

Talk about ambitious…only 3 of the most iconic acts in music history. But hey, if you don’t shoot for the moon you’ll never make it, right?

Part of the problem we used to face was feeling like we needed to develop some sort of consistency in our sound…that we needed a style and maybe part of it was that our talent level, although serviceable, fell well short of prodigious. Actually, I think a lot of it had to do with our talent level.

But recently, and I’ll credit maturity for this development, I’ve begun to combine several core beliefs I have about music into a loosely constructed philosophy about music and its creation in a group setting. Below are some of my thoughts, in no particular order (I suppose I have the church of modern secularism to thank for my comfort with fleeting organization.)

1. Music is not a competition or a race. Just because one group or person is good, does not mean that everyone else isn’t. The mentality that musicians are “competing” for record deals etc. is on the decline and as far as I’m concerned, all music is valid and there is something to be learned and appreciated about any music that is written and performed with passion.
2. If you are a musician that loves to write and play everything from metal, hard core, and country, to rock and roll, hip hop and even the blues- its okay to write and play all of those things! Music is not about following a formula (that’s called pop music). Keep in mind, that your ability to create quality, listenable music will determine your success. (which leads me to thought 3)
3. Music is a rather democratic art form at its fundamental level. If no one wants to listen to your music, that doesn’t mean you can’t play it- it just might mean that you’ll be confined to playing it (alone) in a bedroom or basement somewhere…The rise of indie music is about musicians making careers out of playing music that people, sometimes large crowds of people, love to listen to. The idea of huge record labels force-feeding formulaic, unimaginative stuff to the general public may never completely disappear, but at least there’s room enough for indie artists to enjoy greater doses of creativity.

What does all this mean? Well, I may have the opportunity to play in a band again. Who knows what the timetable is or if it will ever actually pan out. But for now, I am happy to say that at least the possibility is there and I might be getting closer to saying yes to the blues…at least, our version of the blues anyway.

confusion about the catholic church...

i stumbled across this today in espn.com of all places. there are multiple reasons for my having left the catholic church upon coming to college and i don't want to use this post or blog as a soap box from which to dispense deceit, cynicism, or hatred. i also don't want to generalize specific acts of what appears to me to be ignorance by projecting them on an entire denomination. i know a number of catholics for which i have the utmost respect. i suppose the best way to explain my feelings on such matters is simply "confusion." no matter how many catholics i ask ahout the issues (described in the article, and my list) i am never fully satisfied that the reasoning they are able to provide is in concert with my experience with the character of God.

1. why can't catholic clergy marry and have families? and what qualifies priests to provide marital counseling?

2. why won't the catholic church cover birth control with the medical benefits package for employees?

3. why does the church not allow a divorced catholic to marry in the church, but for a fee and some paperwork, will agree to an "annulment" at which point the church says the previous marriage never existed and the divorced catholic is reinstated to good standing so far as marriage in a church goes?

4. why won't the catholic church allow anyone who has not gone through the catholic version of first holy communion, to participate in sharing the body and blood of christ?

5. (related to no. 4) who made the catholic church the ultimate authority on judging the spiritual "qualifications" of a person to determine their "worthiness" for communion?

6. what teaching or event or character trait of Jesus supports the idea of purgatory (a holding pattern for heaven)?

7. why must catholics confess sins to a priest? and why wasn't this important spiritual practice left to each individual and God after the Inquisition?

8. why does baptism take place at birth and why does the church insist on only one baptism that takes place at a time when a conscious decision for christ is impossible to communicate or understand?

9. why did the church disallow my grandfather's funeral to take place in the church on easter weekend? does God deny funeral ceremonies based on timing?

10. and why won't a catholic school in Kansas allow a female to ref a high school boys basketball game? (allegedly, because they might "run in to her." WHAT?)

Man in Black

When I was a kid, I created physical challenges as a means of athletic improvement- and they often doubled as an attempt to tap into some sort of mystical kharmic netherworld. For example- I used to set up a soccer ball about twenty yards from my house, and pick a single brick on the windowless wall on the back of our house. If I could hit the brick 25 times in a row- I would grant myself permission to go inside and play Nintendo, or eat dessert, or whatever. At any point, if I missed, the count would reset.

As I got older, the challenges would change a little. “If I can hit 25 free throws in a row, I’ll call so-and-so (insert the name of some girl I had a crush on).” In both cases I secretly wanted to do whatever it was I was delaying until the completion of the challenge. This desire fueled my efforts to successfully complete whatever it was I had set out to do. And most of the time, I let myself get duped into believing that successfully hitting 25 free throws in a row would somehow trigger a magical transformation in the heart of said girl, causing her to recklessly and inexplicably devote her undying love to me for all eternity.

From an early age I connected very deeply to earning things. Even today, if I have a goal or a dream- I set out on a quest to earn it. Earning things is a way for me to make sense of the world- to rationally explain both my successes and failures. But as I begin to encounter more complicated experiences and relationships, my infatuation with this model of reasoning has banished me to extended periods of desolation and anger.

Unfortunately there are some things that you can’t earn- and trying to do so is flat out patronizing and rooted deeply in doubt and fear.

Over the last several years (a decade or so), I have actually believed the lie that if I gave enough of myself away, God would eventually put someone in my life that thought it was important to give to me.

Enter anger, doubt, fear, anger and anger.

I still find myself creating personal challenges, “If I can wipe out this sin, maybe God will let things work out for me.” “Maybe when I’ve paid off all my debts, God will decide I’m ready.” “If I volunteer for this or that group…or if I do this or that job for free, maybe God will notice.”

So I’ve found myself in a convoluted selfless=selfish shit storm and I want out. I feel generally unknown by those around me, surrounded by assumptions and generally treated with kid gloves. All too often I feel like Johnny Cash in that iconic photo, middle finger to the world. I identify with it on so many levels. Sometimes I just want to blurt out “EF-YOU! Why don’t you try following me for a day- and then decide if you really want to bitch about the quality of my charity.”

I wish I didn’t get mad.

I wish I could earn the things I dream for.

At least I could gauge my progress.

As it stands I have to confront confusion and learn how to let go, however awkward and fumbling an experience it might be. It very literally goes against everything my brain understands- but such is the plea of my heart- in constant opposition.